Optus Letter
Dear Cretins,
I have been an Optus customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV,
cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service,
which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.
Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative and
seek to rectify these difficulties or, more likely I suspect, so that you can have some entertaining reading
material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your
office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday
sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57
minutes on my mobile phone listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish
robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....er, how exactly when my modem has been
disconnected?
I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at
which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to
bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had
still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem
arrived... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%...these are usually the hours between
about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend. I am still
waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this
week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are, it seems, also
highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone
line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether
or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me
that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line
is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations
on this theme.
Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers
to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your
unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought Telstra were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that
no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service
to their customers. That's why I chose Optus, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How
surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a
useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. Telstra - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy
puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from
you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be
greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and
even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter
and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel
considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider
them the very embodiment of my feelings towards Optus, and it's worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and
infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
Regards,
